Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Sick!

Today was Halloween, so I dressed up as Hello Kitty.
















But I am sick, so instead of walking around outside and fawning all over little kids dressed up as lions/skunks/pirates tonight, I am sitting on my futon with my long striped socks and eating saltines and drinking ginger ale.

Some math for you:



















+













+














= happy.





What about being sick makes this equation more appealing than other equations? And, more particularly, what about being sick makes my normal, happy equations so unpalatable? a la:















+















=












In related news, being sick also apparently makes me too lazy to change the station when NPR becomes boring, which is about every hour for 15 minutes, and too tired to reach my water from across the coffee table. Being sick sucks.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Industrialize Your Life

i have recently discovered a wonderful and phonetically straightforward catalog called U-Line, and through our short acquaintance over the past few weeks, i've realized that U-Line is the industrialized solution to many life problems, which very few publications can boast, aside from Reader's Digest.

Problem:

I know too many people, and I can't keep them all straight! I want a quick and easy way to remember each of my past experiences with each person. U-Line, can you help me?

Solution:

Why yes, yes I can. I recommend these plentiful and color inventory labels.




















Ahem. You may be more interested in these specific labels.






Actually, you'll probably be most interested in this one.







Problem:

The bathroom of your home looks too personal, comfortable, and well-decorated. What to do?

Solution:















































That should help.

Problem:

You have invited 40 people to your birthday brunch, when you know fucking well that your studio apartment only comfortably holds 5.

Solution:














Have each person take a number upon entry, and invite your favorite numbers in first. Organize your party in half hour shifts of numbers 1-5, then 6-10, then 11-15, etc.

Problem:

You're dying to play Win Lose or Draw, but you only have half-used legal pads laying around the apartment, and it's just not the same.

Solution:













Look! If you buy 4 or more, they're $52 instead of $55 each.

Problem:

You love learning new words but have run out of words, after having learned the dictionary already.

Solution:












Seriously. What are these.

In sum, U-Line offers many viable and affordable solutions to a wide variety of general life problems, especially if you buy like a fucking billion of them all at once.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Re vs Pro

I realized today that I intensely like a number of things that were wildly popular a long time ago.

1. 'Remember the Time' by Michael Jackson and 'Something About You' by Level 42


















I thought that 'Remember the Time' was the cheesiest, stupidest, dorkiest song ever when it came out in 1992. I rediscovered it in college, around the year 2000, and I think it's so bomb ass it's still on my Top 25 Played playlist.

I was hanging around at my friend's office at work the other day, and 'Something About You' was streaming over internet radio. My friend said, 'I love this station. I feel like I'm at a dentist's office, all day.' I ran back to my desk to download it and it is soooooo awesome. It's been on repeat for a full 48 hours. Can I demonstrate why?

there's something abooouuuuuuuuutt
the wwaaay
you aahhhhhh so riiiiiihiiiittteeee
don't want to be without yooouuuuu
baaabbbbbahhhh
toniiiiiittttteeeee

2. The color teal













When I was six I refused to wear anything that was pink or teal, because those colors were for sissy girls. Instead, I invested my time and energy in much more stylish clothing, including matching sweatpant outfits that featured skiing bears. My mom made them for me, and the complete ensemble included not only a sweatshirt, but also pants and a skirt.

Now I have a teal bag, teal shelf, teal belt, and multiple items of teal clothing. Another reason why teal is so great is because it's a good candidate for anagrams.

eat
lat
let
tea
late
tale

3. Rubik's cube
















The other day this engineer came into our office and spotted the rubik's cube that was sitting on top of my co-worker's desk. He said, 'oh. yes. it bothers me when it's not solved. may i solve it, please?' Bill had had the cube for months and had been trying to solve it for that long. Lars, the engineer, solved it in the best 6 seconds of my life.

We had our meeting, but before he left, I asked him if I messed it up again, would he mind solving it again? Not at all. Thus passed the second best six seconds of my life. You can see his website, which includes his own personal seven-step method for solving the cube. http://lar5.com/cube/index.html

So far I am stuck, because I first need to buy one.

I guess my overall question is this: have I regressed so much that I'm back in the 1908s, 1992 at the latest? Or am I progressing so slowly such that only now am I starting to like things that were popular 14 years ago? Or, lastly, do the enduring traits of these three things transcend the bounds of time?

I am scared of the answer so I will stop thinking about it now.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Eternal Flame

While my list of loves is constantly in flux and inclues an extensive list of animals, vegetables, and minerals, two primary categories have been on the list for a while:

1. Food
2. Clothes

My basic philosophy is that if it's a quality item, than it should go well with everything else in its category. Let's test it.

My Favorite Foods (in random order)
-----------------

(a) tomatoes
(b) mushrooms
(c) broccoli
(d) brussell sprouts
(e) cheese (any kind)
(f) rice
(g) eggs (in any format)
(h) mashed potatoes (mashed only, please)
(i) green onions
(j) pickles



My Favorite Clothes (iro)
-------------------

(a) houndstooth jacket
(b) black patent leather kitten heeled shoes with grained heel
(c) dark denim
(d) black v neck sweater
(e) gold dangly earrings
(f) short shorts
(g) black blazer
(h) black and white v neck striped sweater
(i) lacoste shirt
(j) silver sparkly peep toe mary janes (they look better than they sound)

Now let's take a random group of these things. Better yet, let's spell out a word. A word like fade.

Food
----
(f) rice
(a) tomatoes
(d) brussell sprouts
(e) cheese

Clothes
-------
(f) short shorts
(a) houndstooth jacket
(d) black v neck sweater
(e) gold dangly earrings

Do you see?? Do you see how this works? Rice, tomatoes, and brussell sprouts sound delicious. We can have the cheese before the meal. All appetizer-like.

Black v neck sweater with shorty shorts, gold dangly earrings, and a houndstooth jacket sounds like what I wore last Friday.

Excellent! So, my big conclusion for this posting is that

is that

I'm right! I'm always right!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Reconciliation

i sort of like the word reconciliation because it's relevant on many levels: a relationship with a friend, a relationship between nations, or a relationship between a bank account and a checkbook. i only sort of like because it does not possess a lot of things that i like about particular words, including being fun to say, containing the letter 'x,' and not having too many syllables.

that being said, i've been having recent troubles reconciling my seemingly insatiable lust for beautiful, expensive things (a) with my deep-seated and die-hard passion for cheapo crap (b).

Exhibit (a)










Design Within Reach
LC4 Chaise Lounge - Leather
$2,195

Exhibit (b)







Chinatown
Rice Bowl
$.59

Is there a solution to this? Is it OK to mix miu miu with Hanes wifebeaters? Or does my entire wardrobe have to be outfitted by Prada? Is it OK if my apartment has been furnished solely by Le Mart de K?

My answer right now is yes, primarily because the former is financially impossible and the latter doesn't have a location in the bay area, that i know of. However, I'm inclined to think that even if I had an unlimited bank account, that my answer would still be yes, for the following reasons:

1. Less devastation when apartment burns down
2. Hanes wifebeats yellow easily and require frequent replenishing

mm hmm. Those are two excellent reasons.

Once I met a friend of a friend who said that when he was working PR in NYC several years ago, he could only afford McDonald's yogurt parfaits for dinner, but shopped at Saks. This is the same friend who came to visit San Francisco, at which time my friend said to him, 'Where is that vest from?' And he said, 'Prahhdahh.' And my friend said, 'Oh. I thought you were going to say Old Navy.'

I do not want this to happen to me. The only thing more devastating that spending $450 on a fleece vest is having your friends thinks that you bought it for $4.50 at Old Navy, which is neither old nor remotely related to the navy.

Which brings me to my final conclusion. If I'm going to buy something that is severely overpriced, it'd better pay off. This means that:

1. It is supremely more comfortable than the same product by a cheaper brand
2. It is a ridiculously unique product that no other company is knocking off
3. It's obnoxious, such that people comment on it, and you are able to reply nonchalantly, 'oh, it's by miu miu.'
4. It does my homework

If it doesn't fall into one of these four categories, I recommend aborting the purchase and blowing that money on your apartment. Seriously. That sofa looks like shit.