Monday, January 07, 2008

The Joy of Watching Other People Cooking

part i: this is a picture of nigella lawson.

i like nigella lawson.

i discovered her new cooking show on one of my billion tv stations. i have few friends in india, and have been watching her show quite often, so feel very comfortable calling her a quality friend i've met during my time in delhi.

her show is about cooking things quickly and easily, so her producers are constantly putting her in cheesily setup yet practical situations i appreciate. for example, the other night when she was back from commercial break, i caught her coming home late from a party. she was wearing a black dress and jewels, and the kitchen was dark. she was removing her earrings and talking in her becoming accent about how she was craving some treats.

if i were her, at this point i would order a steamy plate of spaghetti and meatballs from the dumpy yet reliable and delicious place downstairs. she, naturally, decides to whip up some delightful caramel croissant pudding.

she proceeds to break apart an old, buttery croissant with her manicured hands and put it into a perfectly sized and immaculately clean cast iron skillet. in the meantime, the caramel she started a couple of minutes ago, which is comprised of mystery ratios of sugar, water, milk, eggs, double cream, and bourbon, is looking runny and rich and creamy.

she pours it over the croissant, forces the more cheerily buoyant pieces down with a shining, long handled metal thing which she probably got from sur la table, and pops it into the oven.

if i become extraordinarily rich, hiring a camera crew and brilliant lighting directors to follow me around and fetishize my every mundane task in such an aesthetically luscious way would probably be #11 on my list of Things I Must Do Now That I am Ballerifically Wealthy.

part ii: this is a picture of paula deen.

i really like paula deen. you probably should too, considering how happy she looks sharing a photograph with a basket of fried chicken.

i discovered her one day while i was channel surfing on the treadmill at the gym. watching cooking shows on the treadmill is good for me, as it significantly decreases (but doesn't eliminate) the possibility that i'm going to go get something to eat and start munching during the show.

she's from georgia, and the things i love most about her are
  • the fact that almost everything she prepares involves mayonnaise, and
  • her ultrathick southern accent. i barely listen to what she's actually saying and let the vowels wash over me.
the only thing i can actually remember her making are sausage balls. or, if you prefer, sahseege bawls. every time she said it, i nearly fell off the treadmill.

part iii: this is a picture of the swedish chef.

i love the swedish chef!

i discovered the swedish chef when i was 7. this is a flattering picture of him, although i think part of the reason he looks so good is because of the sears glamourshot lighting behind him.

swedish chef and i have so many similarities. for example, his experience cooking eggs:
  • Eggs
The Chef attempts to make eggs by persuading a chicken to lay some. The chicken resists until he threatens her with a cleaver. At this point, the chicken lays something. The Chef picks it out from under her, only to realize that it is a bomb which promptly goes off.
this kind of junk happens to me all the time. i'm also a swedish muppet, which also adds to the similarities.

as varied as my short list of favorite cooking hosts may be, the only thing that will remain consistent throughout the annals of time is this: i hate cooking, i'll never do it, and everything i make tastes bad.




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