annie vs wild

tonight, i was sitting around the house with my colleague tyler watching television, and as we passed the discovery channel he said, 'aw. dude. go back. this show is awesome.

aw wait. this is the discovery channel that's in hindi. i think the english one is somewhere in the 50s or 60s.'

as i flipped up, we saw that irritating bollywood star on like 4 channels advertising 4 different types of garbage. i shook my fist at the television, and tyler gave me an odd look.

it was this show called man vs. wild. the star of this show is stranded in a different remote location each episode to demonstrate localized survival techniques. for example, i hear that a popular song and dance for this guy is to purposely get himself neck deep into quicksand to show you how he gets out.

i watched the show with moderate interest while also checking the gossip blogs. moments during which i was raptly attentive included

• when he jumped 8 ft over a deep canyon
• when he cut off the tail of a scorpion and ate it for no apparent reason
• when he removed his shirt

which got me thinking. just how interesting would my version of this show be?

situation: annie vs grizzly bear
bear: rawr!
me: don't bother me. i'm busy playing scrabulous.

situation: annie vs deep ravine without provisions
ravine: if you fall in me, you will fall into the greatest depths of the earth, never to be found again. molten hot lava is in the middle of the earth, you know.
me: mmmm. cheeseburgers.

situation: annie vs army of tropical ants
ants: we are many. we are 6 times as many legs. we are incredibly frightening and powerful as a giant army, and our bodies look like very small turds if you put them under a moderately-priced microscope. you know, like ones you can get at wal-mart. they're only like 30 bucks.
me: yes, over here! yay, my turn. one makers and soda on the rocks, please. thank you.

situation: annie vs endless desert
desert: i am hot. so hot. there is no food or water for miles. and no, you can't eat that camel. besides. what are you going to kill it with? that gucci belt you're wearing? give me a friggin break. is that from fall06 or spring07?
me: fall06.

situation: annie vs tumultuous sea in tiny fishing boat
sea: rawhrharhahrcrashcrashcrashwaveswavesrawwrrr
me: this is getting ridiculous. no one watches the discovery channel anyway. i resign.
discovery channel: fine! be that way. i have no idea why we hired you anyway.
me: yea. me neither. this sucked.
discovery channel: don't be such a bitch. we're through. give me back my mix tapes.
me: thank god. get them out of my sight. oh, and ps - no one who isn't a christian seventh grader with a mild acne problem in the late 90s wearing an oversized sweater from the gap in rugby green with navy and ivory stripes has ever listened to pm dawn. so yea. take the mix tapes.
discovery channel: cold as ice.
me: ya hurd.